How "Faux Feelings" Became "Story Feelings" — A Community Journey (Updated)
When I asked for your input on dropping "faux feelings," I didn't expect the depth of response that followed. What began as a simple question became a genuine collaboration. Here's where we are now.
The Overwhelming Consensus
First, the clear part: nearly everyone agreed that "faux" needed to go. The reasons varied but converged on the same point. "Faux" means fake in French. No matter how carefully I defined it, the word itself smuggled in judgment. It implied the experience wasn't real. And that contradicted the very insight I was trying to teach: the experience is real; the word choice shapes where attention goes.
Some mourned the loss. "Faux" was catchy. It had elegance. One reader noted it landed for her as "mask" rather than "fake," which is exactly how I'd intended it. But too many others heard "not real," and that was the problem.
The Foundational Question
Before we can name these feelings, we need to ask: are they feelings at all?
Some in the NVC tradition have said no. "I feel disrespected" is a thought masquerading as a feeling. A projection dressed up in feeling language. Not a real feeling.
I understand the impulse. The language does project an interpretation onto the other person's behavior. It does contain a You-statement embedded in an I-statement. But projection and feeling aren't mutually exclusive.
Damasio writes:
"I have proposed that the term feeling should be reserved for the private, mental experience of an emotion, while the term emotion should be used to designate the collection of responses, many of which are publicly observable." — The Feeling of What Happens, p. 42
If a feeling is "the private, mental experience of an emotion," then "I feel disrespected" qualifies. It IS a mental experience. It IS private. It IS the mind's interpretation of an emotional state. The person isn't lying or confused. They're reporting what they experience once the mind has made meaning.
So yes, projection is involved. The question isn't whether projection is happening. It's whether we recognize it as interpretation or mistake it for fact.
This is why "faux" fails. It implies these aren't feelings. But they are. They're feelings that carry interpretive weight about cause. Feelings that point outward (what they did) or inward (who I am). The experience is real. The language shapes where attention goes.
Any replacement term must honor this: these ARE feelings. The issue isn't validity. It's direction.
The Criteria
Through our conversations, a set of specs emerged for what the replacement term needs to do:
Short
Ideally two words, no more than four or five syllables total. Must be sayable mid-conversation or at 3 a.m.
Must not imply fake or invalid
The experience is real. No smuggled judgment.
Must honor these ARE feelings
By Damasio's definition, "I feel disrespected" is a feeling. The term can't suggest otherwise.
Must capture the interpretive quality
These feeling-words carry an embedded interpretation about cause.
Must accommodate both directions
Outward (what they did) and inward (who I am).
Must invite curiosity, not correction
A clue to follow, not an error to fix.
Not clinical
Must feel human and accessible, not like a textbook.
Memorable
Ideally as catchy as "faux" but without the baggage.
Bonus: fits the tracking metaphor
Clues, trails, signs, direction.
The Alternatives We've Considered
Here's what surfaced, and how each measured up:
Finger-pointing feelings: Vivid and memorable. And there's wisdom in the old saying: when you point a finger at someone, three fingers point back at you. But the term only sounds like it's about blaming others. The inward direction ("I feel worthless") gets lost. And it's hard to say gracefully.
Interpretive feelings: Accurate. These are feelings expressed through words that interpret. It connects directly to the language I use throughout: "the language interprets rather than describes." But several readers found it too clinical. And if all feelings are interpretive by definition (the mind making meaning of emotional states), calling a subset "interpretive" could confuse.
Narrative feelings: Captures the constructed, interpretive quality. Slightly more formal than "story." But "narrative" is three syllables, sounds academic, and lives in the head rather than the body. At 3 a.m., "What narrative is operating here?" is not something anyone says.
Continuing narrative feelings: Makes explicit that these feelings are connected to an ongoing storyline linking past to present. But it's six syllables before you even get to "feelings." You can't use this mid-conversation. There's something real in this framing; these feelings often do connect to old patterns. But what defines them isn't their connection to the past. 'I feel disrespected' can be a response to something that just happened. The issue is interpretation, not timeline.
Loaded feelings: Like a loaded question, a loaded feeling carries an embedded assumption. Conceptually sharp. Short and punchy. But "loaded" introduces evaluation. It implies something skewed, something to correct. At 3 a.m., "this is a loaded feeling" sounds like self-criticism. Your whole system works because it removes evaluation. "Loaded" quietly reintroduces it.
Leading feelings: Like a leading question, a leading feeling embeds a conclusion and steers your attention toward a particular interpretation. "I feel disrespected" leads you toward the conclusion that someone violated your boundary. Short, familiar analogy, less evaluative than "loaded." But "leading" can also mean "primary" ("the leading cause"), which could create confusion. Worth considering.
Charged feelings: Similar energy to "loaded" but less evaluative. But "charged" is vague. All intense feelings are charged. It doesn't capture what makes this subset distinct.
Stirred feelings: Evocative, embodied. But all strong feelings are stirred. "I feel grief" is stirred. "I feel afraid" is stirred. The word describes activation, not what makes this subset distinct.
Primed feelings: Captures the automatic, predictive quality. But doesn't capture the interpretive content itself, just the mechanism.
Past feelings / x-perienced feelings: Suggests the feeling belongs to another time. But "I feel disrespected" can be a valid response to something happening right now. The question isn't when the feeling originated. The question is whether the word choice carries an interpretation about cause.
Verdict feelings: Captures the conclusion quality. "Disrespected" is a verdict about them. "Worthless" is a verdict about self. But it sounds heavy, legalistic.
Layered feelings: Keeps the "added interpretation" idea without judgment. Softer. But doesn't capture the narrative quality.
Pointed feelings: Simple, visual, captures direction. But doesn't capture the story-about-cause quality directly.
The Showdown: Story vs Narrative
The most sustained debate was between "story feelings" and "narrative feelings."
I pressure-tested both against the actual moments where they'd be used.
At 3 a.m., lying awake after the conversation with Glen, which question fits?
"What's the story here?" flows naturally. It's how the mind actually works.
"What narrative is operating here?" is something you say in a case consultation, not in the dark with your own churning thoughts.
The tracking metaphor settled it. A story is something you follow. It unfolds. It leads somewhere. A narrative is something you analyze. You step back from it. My book is built on staying close to the track, not stepping back to analyze.
Where "Narrative" Does Belong
But the distinction is real, and "narrative" has a place.
"He disrespected me" is a story feeling. Moment-level meaning.
"People always cross my boundaries" is a narrative. Pattern-level meaning. The belief that repeats across moments.
Story feelings live in Chapter 4, where you learn to recognize interpretations in the moment. Narrative belongs in Chapter 6, where the deeper wounds and developmental patterns surface.
The Pushback on "Story"
Agreement that "faux" must go has been near-universal. But "story feelings" hasn't fully landed for everyone. Here's what I'm hearing:
"Takes me somewhere else"
"Fairy tales, stories told to children"
"Too directive, not sufficiently interpretive"
"Can become emotionally my identity"
"More imagined than embodied, more narrative than lived"
"Sounds fictional, made-up"
The pattern: "Story" can sound like something external, something you tell rather than something you feel. The word might live in the head, not the body.
And yet, when measured against the criteria, "story" keeps passing the tests that matter most. It's high on emotional safety and curiosity, which are essential for the tracking work. It connects to the chapter title ("The Stories We Tell"). It's short, memorable, and doesn't imply fake.
Where I Am Now
Every alternative has problems. "Loaded" introduces judgment. "Narrative" is analytical and clunky. "Interpretive" is clinical. "Finger-pointing" misses the inward direction. "Continuing narrative" is too long.
"Story feelings" keeps passing the tests that matter most.
A story feeling is a feeling that carries a narrative about cause. Most point outward: "I feel disrespected," "I feel controlled," "I feel betrayed." Some point inward: "I feel worthless," "I feel stupid," "I feel like a failure." The experience behind both is real. The word choice determines where attention goes, and where the tracking leads.
Story feelings aren't the enemy. They're clues. Tracks on the trail pointing toward something worth exploring.
The Short List:
Here are the strongest contenders with brief descriptions. Which resonates with you?
Story feelings
Feelings that carry a narrative about cause. Connects to "The Stories We Tell." Warm, human, invites curiosity. Some feel it sounds fictional or too much in the head.
Narrative feelings
Captures the constructed, interpretive quality. More formal than "story." But three syllables, sounds academic, lives in the head rather than the body.
Loaded feelings
Like a loaded question, carries an embedded interpretation. Conceptually sharp, punchy, memorable. But may introduce evaluation: "loaded" can sound like something to fix.
Leading feelings
Like a leading question, steers attention toward a particular conclusion. Fresh analogy, less evaluative than "loaded." But "leading" can also mean "primary," which could confuse.
Interpretive feelings
Accurate and grounded. Connects directly to "the language interprets rather than describes." But clinical, sounds like a textbook.
The Final Questions
Is "story feelings" good enough? Is there a term on this list you prefer? Or is there something better I haven't found?
I'm still listening. Let me know what you think.